I was depressed, and i also was trying to denial it.

I lied to myself, and the people around me that “i am okay” but in fact i was not. I don’t know how to precisely describe why i am depressed. Sometimes i just want to skip one day or two days in a row. Just with myself, hangout or strolling around or either just lay in bed all day, do nothing.

This is the situation that i found myself, i am not fine, this is not me at all. I was crying almost all the time.

I am a stubborn that don’t want to show off my tears in front of people. And… there’s a time when i can’t hold on my tears anymore. I was crying like crazy. It was hurt all over my body. Even when i breath, it was feeling so hard and hurt in my chest, like i can normally breath.

I was hurting myself… by hold on the tear.

This is.. the thing that i personally want to achieve, to let myself cry. Whenever i feel disappointed, sad, and unhappy. Even when i am with the people outside. If i really want to cry. Just cry (hopefully, but i will try). It is so underated for me and also might be some people that think “if i cry, i am weak.”

I am done playing this game over and over again. It’s not a competition of how strong or weak i am. It is nature feeling. I am a nature. I am a human.

I will and want to learn to let myself, just go cry, cry is good, cry enough until i feel relief. It is better than i have to hold on in it for on and on. In the end, it will gonna be a bomb for myself. I was so harsh with my self. I can tell to people around me “it’s okay if you are sad. Just cry.” But i did not do it to myself. I will just harbor it all. Put in a facade. It is not great. I really was not.

i learn to accept that cry is good. Cry is nice. It is the nature of emotion. At the end of the day, i am just human. It is a pleasure emotion that i have to befriend with.

As i realized, we are born crying. It does not mean when i feel sad and i cry is the thing that so childish. It is human nature, and again i am human. These are self-discovery, self-journey, self-growth, teach me a lot. Those are a part of reminding myself to live the life within.

The overwhelming, suffering that i have been through in my past are not the thing that i have to regret.

I have to learn to be more grateful. Because i still have a chance. The universe still let me to go on with my life.

For anyone that feel depressed. You are not alone. The universe has you, your soul. The universe has a good script for you. Your storyline is good. It just how The universe writes your story.

Have a great day and as always enjoy.

–Dearmariana–